Dear Mr. O'Brien
It has come to my attention that sometime soon (say at the end of today) you may find yourself no longer employed at "NBC" (Nothing But C****). This is a travesty. Everyone involved with the exception of Mr. zucker and perhaps Mr. leno realize it. Its a sad end to an awkward situation that they didnt need to create.
Personally, I think you made the right move by putting your foot down. You stood up for television tradition & refused to be a push over. Its that type of attitude I can use.
Conan, I understand that you may be for hire now. I am assuming your deal to leave comes with a clause about not returning to TV for awhile in any talk show manner?. So in the mean time you may try new jobs.
Well, I have the job for you. You can help me get autographs during the 2010 Olympics here in Vancouver, BC. Now the pay is meager. It might even be below minimum wage to be brutally honest. But, I am putting the offer out there. If you need a job, to help feed your family. I'll find work for you here.
It does come with some perks.
1- you can meet tonnes of world class athletes. Kinda cool, right?
2- There is bound to be countless NBC representitives roaming town for you to hurl insults at, you know, to blow off some of the steam you may have pent up.
3- Get away from all that rain flooding L.A......oh right. Nevermind. Scratch that, it will probably be here too.
4- Its closer to Seattle than L.A. So you could take a trip to see your wifes family faster (at your expense of course...do I look like I have money to throw away? I'm not NBC.)
5- You could get into a game/event & hold up an "NBC sucks" sign, which will air...on their station.
6- Theres lots of musical guests here you could chum up to...incase you get another talk show gig at FOX....or somewhere else.
The pay may suck, it will certainly be a notable decline from your current pay rate.
I can assure you it will be a longer & less rewarding day than a day of joke telling & celebrity interviewing.
And frankly, you may have a better offer on the table somewhere. I will respectfully understand if you decline for a prior commitment.
I just think its a job you can excel at. With your height, you have an advantage with reaching overtop of fans to get your items signed. This can come in handy. As a talk show host, you have developed a strong speaking voice, which will help in getting the attention of athletes who may not be paying attention & not hear a quieter person... and if all else fails, you can bribe them with the string dance.... if NBC didnt steal that in their raping of your intellectual properties.
I can assure you a few things.
1- I have no intentention of replacing you after 7 months with Jay Leno if you dont seem to be doing that good.
2- If we see an NBC rep that you hate, I will assist you in hurling any rotting vegetables you may feel the need to throw.
3- Andy can tag along...but hes your responsibility to keep in check.
4- The gig will end at the end of February..... That is more of an advance notice than NBC gave you.
5- If all fails in your career as an autograph hound, I will still make you some money by setting up a "meet Conan O'Brien & get his autograph booth" nearest as possible to an NBC area. Prices to be determined.
I hope you will take my offer seriously. I'm just trying to help you out, and get your feet back on the ground. I will gladly give you a job reference to any future employers you may be seeking employment from.
PS- thanks for the years of entertainement.
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I occasionally argue with inanimate objects, but I usually win. So its all good.